On the weekend of the Fall Equinox, I drove up to Brinson, Washington to take part in the Sacred Sons Convergence. It was the first time I was going to an event where men would be doing their work AND women would also be doing their work and I was intrigued. I’ve been doing Men’s work for over two years now and each event I’ve gone to has only had men at the event. It’s served to create a safe container for the men to do their work and share their challenges, struggles and celebrations, in a way that is unfiltered because we’re sharing space with other men and that’s the only people there. Could I, and other men also do this level of work with women?
I’ll admit I had my concerns. I’ve been dealing with my own wounds around the feminine over the last few months. I’ve become increasingly aware that I need to heal these wounds and I carried a secret hope to this event that it would be possible to do some healing and feel safe around women, as well as be a safe person for those women and the other men I was there with.
I’ve also never been to a Sacred Sons event and one of the other reasons I went was because of the Sacred Combat. Most of the men’s work I’ve done has been based more around archetypal pathworking, which is very useful, but can also be cerebral. I’m a somatic experiencer and there’s something raw and real about getting physical with other people.
Thursday Arrival
When I got up to the campsite where the event would happen, I drove down and dropped off my luggage and then took my car back up to the top. I walked down and was quickly shown where I could register. I didn’t know anyone there, but that was part of the fun of this adventure. I chose to go to an event where I knew no one so I could stretch myself out of my comfort zone and challenge what I know to discover what I can learn.
I was assigned to a team and I got a green bandana, which made me laugh because when I went through the New Warrior Training Adventure, I also got a green bandana. It felt synchronous.
Eventually everyone arrived at the event and we were placed in our teams. I walked with my team to a space near a pier where we got an epic view of the Salish sea. We introduced ourselves by checking in and got to know each other. Men and women were together and it was interesting to be sharing space in a similar way as to how I’d show up in a men’s circle. I also saw that we would be separated for a day, starting the next day.
After a few exercises together we headed to the main field and did a group ritual with all the teams that set the energy of the container fully. Before we headed in for dinner, the men met separately, in their respective teams. The leader of my team, an intense man named Bearheart shared the importance of making sure that we created a safe container for all involved. We needed to be transparent with our intentions and we needed to do our work in a way that honored everyone without infringing on anyone’s boundaries. I appreciated that statement and took it to heart. I had come to this event to do my work and to witness other people doing their work.
Have you gone through a breakup recently? Are you struggling with the pain and grief? If so, I have an 8 week program that walks you through the first 8 weeks of a breakup and helps you take care of the most important person in your life : You
Friday
On Friday I woke up and made my way to the team meeting space. For the first couple hours we met with the women. We stretched, we connected and then we parted ways. For the next 24 hours we were going to do our work separately from each other.
I’m glad we had separate time. I knew I needed some space where I was just working with the other men and the work we did together was what I was looking for. It was somatic, embodied, and gave me a level of physical interaction that I have been looking for with men’s work. It also led me to a crucial realization, which I’ll write more about in a separate post: I did not feel safe with myself.
And I got to do sacred combat! I boxed another man for two minutes and used it as an opportunity to work on my assertiveness. It feel real and raw and after we boxed, we hugged each other and I felt a closeness with this person and the circle of men who had witnessed our connection through the boxing.
Later that night I went to a talk that Bearheart conducted around relationship. Every question asked, in one form or another, offered some reflection around the issues I was struggling with around relationship and my connection with both my inner feminine and the feminine in the world. It proved helpful for the next day.
Saturday
On Saturday we spent the first part of the morning separated from the women. We did a bit more work, but it was really preparation for re-uniting with them. When the time came we joined with all the other teams and started walking down a path three men in a row, singing songs. We were told by the leaders that when we did re-unite with the women, we’d sing a song and then wait for the women to respond. We were also told that the overall feedback from the women (and women in general) is that they wanted men to go slower (That insight has stuck with me since). Ironically we ended up waiting 45 minutes before even seeing the women again because they weren’t ready for us…so when we finally came put and sang a song, they didn’t wait to respond. It struck me as funny in its own way.
It was a moving experience. The couples re-united first and then the rest of us co-mingled and danced together. It was a primal celebration of joy, of connecting with each other and it felt special. Afterwards we separated into teams, but this time the whole team of men and women and we continued our work together.
Doing work together was a bit different from just working with the other men, yet it was still raw, real and relational. I won’t share details beyond saying that in our respective ways we were able to release and express emotions and see each other in that process, which was a powerful form of healing and processing in its own right.
That night I hung out at the sanctuary with new friends, continuing to develop the connections I formed and appreciating the uniqueness of the event, because of how I was connecting with both men and women in a way that was very relational and yet very much had more to do with seeing each fully without the usual tension in place that is so prevalent in society.
Sunday
The final day was Sunday and it simultaneously felt like an experience where the weekend was too short and like we’d also spent so much time together. We first got together as a team and we engaged in an exercise where we sat in a triangle of three, two men or women sitting with one man or woman. One person was a witness, one person was a listener/receiver and one person was the talker/giver.
This was an intimate exercise where we shared relationally about how the masculine had showed up with the feminine and how the masculine wounded the feminine. We also shared how the feminine showed up with the masculine and how the feminine wounded the masculine. And it was challenging.
I’ve shared in my writing and in men’s groups the ways that I’ve shown up in relationship, both the shadow and the gold. I’ve taken responsibility for the ways I’ve wounded people, but doing this, especially around the ways I had wounded the feminine and the ways I had been wounded by the feminine was a really vulnerable act. I felt exposed and yet I felt safe in that exposure. Sharing both helped me feel seen and listening to both of the people in my triangle share their experiences helped me feel less alone and more present with the shared humanity all of us exhibited.
We made a commitment in the triangle to take some action outside of the event that would help us take this work further. My commitment was to have a conversation with my ex-girlfriend, if she was willing, about the ways I had wounded her and our relationship, without bringing the guilt and shame I was carrying into the conversation. I felt afraid and yet I knew I needed to do it. At one point as we wrapped up our final meeting as a team I shared my commitment, with Bearheart our leader and he asked me to update him. I hugged him, tears running down my face and told him I would do it.
We made our way to the central field and did a closing ritual where we recognized the people who had put on the event and then recognized all of us for showing up. We had a final meal together and I said my goodbyes to my newfound brothers and sisters. I felt profound gratitude and sadness as I left.
On the long drive home, I followed up on my commitment to the group and had the conversation I needed to have. Afterwards I talked with a brother for two hours about the event, about relationships and breakups and how we were progressing in our journey. It felt like an appropriate way to bring the weekend to a close.
Conclusion
Convergence was my first Sacred Sons event. It won’t be my last. It was also another step on my journey to heal my relationship with the feminine. I came away feeling like I had reclaimed a part of my soul that had been missing. It took me a week to fully re-integrate and I took that week and just allowed myself to go slow.
As I’ve digested and mulled over the experience I’ve had, it has made me even more committed as a men’s coach to help men do the healing work they need to do on themselves, so that men can be safer with themselves and the people in their lives, and the world at large. I felt safer with myself and it provided a direction for me to continue doing the healing I need to do around my own wounds and the ancestral trauma that I am also healing.
Want to learn more about my approach to men’s work? Get my free e-booklet The Men’s Work.
Other Offerings
If you are a man who wants to transform his live through the men’s mysteries or a woman who knows a man who needs this work, I invite you to connect with me for men’s coaching and group work.
Get my new book The Quest for Mature Masculinity. In that book I share how to apply the men’s mysteries to your life and become a healthier, safer, and happier man.