Unpacking Male Entitlement
I’ve started reading For the Love of Men by Liz Plank (Affiliate Link). The introduction, alone, is a thought and emotion provoking read that gets to the heart of the issues that men need to examine in themselves and that need to be explored in society in general. One of the surveys she cites is one where 77 % of men surveyed believe that consent is always necessary, but also that 59% of the men surveyed also believe that husbands are entitled to have sex with their wives. Reading that survey made me think about male entitlement as a social construct that men have to do their work around, because it is our work to do.
What is male entitlement?
It is the expectation that as a man I will get access to something that I feel is due to me out of obligation. I would also call it a covert contract, where I do something for you and I expect you’ll do something for me. Entitlement isn’t limited to men. Any person can be entitled and chances are you’ve acted entitled at some point in your life. I know I have acted entitled sometimes, and when I realize I’m acting entitled, it doesn’t sit easy with me, because embedded within entitlement is a transactive approach to relationship. If I do this, you owe me this.
That transactive approach kills relationships, because it breaks it down to an exchange instead of genuine connection. When both people are transactive, which usually is the case when some form of entitlement is at play, it can quickly take the heart of the emotion out of the relationship.
This article is about male entitlement though and I sit with that, uncomfortably, because I don’t want to think of myself as entitled and yet sometimes I know I can be. Lately I’ve been considering how that entitlement is actually a form of weakness that keeps me from being fully present with another person because I am caught up in resentment, the bane of all relationships. I am stuck in covert contracts, until I recognize them for what they are (Watch this video to learn more)
The problem with entitlement is that it becomes an insidious voice that tells you that you ought to have whatever it is you want, and assumes the other person owes it to you. It’s not a clean relationship. The solution is to bring the unconscious out into the open and speak the truth. Speak your truth and hear the other person’s truth. This isn’t a guarantee you’ll get anything, but it is an honest exchange of communication and connection and that can do a lot to diffuse and resolve resentment, while nipping entitlement in the bud.
I say all that, but I’ll admit its something I’m still working at myself. I haven’t communicated as cleanly as I’d like. I’ve sometimes held back as a way of staying safe, but this hasn’t worked. I’m finding that being more assertive is better because while expressing myself feels risky, the results are better in terms of how I feel about myself and how the overall situation, whatever is, feels. Its better to get assertive, speak to what you need and while there are no guarantees, I find myself happier for being so open and I find that my relationships are becoming a lot cleaner and more open for it.
If you’re a man and you want help on your journey to becoming a better and safer man, check out my free book The Men’s Work and if you’re a woman who knows a man who is struggling, please consider sharing this article with him.