Feeling Emotions and Making Sense of them is a Journey
Why men need to claim their emotions and inner life on their own terms
I’ve been feeling emotions all of my life. I haven’t always known what to do with what I’m feeling. I’ve pushed my emotions down, suppressed them and tried to ignore them. I’ve lashed out, lost control and sometimes…
I’ve just lived with them, in quiet desperation, putting on a smile or a brave face, while on the inside I’ve been curling up on myself, unable to truly share what I’ve been feeling.
I’ve felt emotions all my life, but I don’t identify feeling emotions as feminine. If anything what I continually find is that any given person shares a complexity of emotions, but there are societal norms in place that cause labeling around expression of emotions.
For example, expressing emotions openly is typically considered more acceptable in American culture by women, whereas if a man expresses emotions openly, its not seen as acceptable.
There’s a call for men to learn how to regulate their emotions and it makes sense. Just as importantly, however, I think it matters that what men have been taught about expressing emotions and the skills they’ve learned to regulate emotions haven’t been all that effective, up until now.
What have your challenges been around the emotions you feel in your life?
Men can’t go it alone with emotions
One of the reasons men struggle with emotions is because we’ve been taught to keep it all to ourselves.
I remember being told as a boy: “Big Boys don’t cry!” and “Showing emotions is weakness.” The result is that I internalized my emotions, directing my anger, sadness, and anxiety inward and trying to present a stoic mask that didn’t let anyone (including myself) in.
The result was depression.
I grew up physically, but emotionally I was stunted, as so many men are. I didn’t know how to recognize my feelings and when they came out, it went sideways. I could feel the emotions, but understanding them was a different story.
What turned it around for me wasn’t going to therapy. I had seen a therapist a few times as a teenager and later in my adult life, but what I needed at the time was to learn how to get into my body and that couldn’t happen on its own.
I did a lot of inner work on my own, in the form of martial art and somatic body work. I read up on relationship books and various psychological theories and all of that gave me a lot of concepts to work with, but the felt experience of being in my body and relating to other people eluded me.
It was only when I got involved with men’s work that I moved from concept to practice. Emotions can be felt on our own, but to relate to other people relationally we actually have to open up to those people.
I had never really done that, even though I was in romantic relationships, because even in those relationships I was repeating the patterns I had learned early on, trying to stay by keeping everything to myself.
Have you tried to stay safe by keeping everything to yourself? You’ve probably it doesn’t exactly work. There’s a better way. Learn how by subscribing to the Men’s Mysteries and learning the codes that help you unlock your sovereign masculinity. It’s not therapy we’re engaged in…it’s training in your mental and emotional health skills.
Anxiety was my gatekeeper
I struggled with anxiety for most of my life. It was my gatekeeper for all the other emotions I felt.
Whether I was feeling anger or fear or doubt, anxiety would show up and gatekeep the experience of those emotions.
While anger is the “acceptable” emotion for men to feel, what many of them actually feel is anxiety. The symptoms of anxiety for men don’t always show up as a panic attack, though that’s one form. The other symptoms can be:
Analysis paralysis - caught up in overthinking and second guessing your choices.
Numbing out - Through porn, alcohol, videogames and other activities that temporarily tune out.
Nice Guy People Pleasing - Nice guys people please to feel safe with themselves and the people in their lives.
Inability to take action - You feel a clench in your stomach and you sense of power and embodiment is locked down.
Anxiety can be debilitating and stop you from fully feeling your other emotions. I learned how to transform my relationship with anxiety and through that experience I started to change my relationship with my emotions overall.
If you’re a man reading this article and you’re experiencing anxiety, I have a resource for you that can help you turn anxiety into action.
Get my free guide From Clarity to Chaos. It will help you transform from an anxious man to an empowered and embodied man. You’ll learn:
Why anxiety isn’t your enemy—and what it’s really trying to tell you.
A daily tool to track and break your anxiety patterns.
Two powerful breathing + grounding exercises to reset your nervous system fast.
The journaling prompt that uncovers the root fear behind your anxiety.
A simple masculine structure to create clarity and confidence in your day.
I was recently interviewed on the topic of what it means to be a man by
Watch the full episode here.